But You Ain't Got No Legs, Lieutenant Dan.

The wonderful people over at the International Association of Athletic Federations have ruled on Oscar Pistorius' bid to become the first double amputee to compete in the Summer Olympics.

If you are hoping for a WWL's My Wish ending, you are not going to be happy. No John Tesh music. No Chris Connelly voiceover. No Dwayne Wade autographed jersey. The IAAF has aborted Oscar's dream using a rusty coat hanger of science.

IAAF spokesman Nick "Four Limbs" Davies claims that being born without either fibula provides an unfair advantage for the 20 year-old Frenchman. "The guy Oscar beat on Friday -- the stride length was the same, but the speed through the air was slower for the able-bodied guy," Four Limbs said.

Evidently, the IAAF has "facts" and scientific "evidence" to back up their claims, but they didn't take into account that this guy has a pair of huge brass balls, and that might just be slowing him down a little.

Jim Abbott is not impressed with you, IAAF.

Below is a video of Oscar's first competition against "able-bodies," which is a term I believe is a little prejudice.

Julio Franco is NOT Ponce De Leon

Yeah, right, there's no way Julio Franco took steriods. He's just a freak of nature who eats 30 hard-boiled egg whites a day and drinks the blood of Malaysian toddlers. His contract with the devil has expired and the Mets have designated him for assignment in place of L Millz.

Here are some interesting facts about baseball's golden girl:

Julio Franco is so old, he has a Jesus Starter jacket.

Julio Franco is so old, when he was in school there was no history class.

Julio Franco is so old, he is the last MLB player eligible to wear a batting with no ear flaps.*

Julio Franco is so old, he has an autographed bible.

Julio Franco is so old, he was born when the Dead Sea was just getting sick.

Julio Franco is so old, he and Ted Williams both faced the same pitcher.*

Julio Franco is so old, when Moses was parting the Red Sea, he was on the other side fishing.

*These facts could be true.

Giambino Has Even Less Talent Than Originally Thought

"Yo, Reggie! We need you in New York."

While Jason Giambi is out with an ailing "foot," he's collecting a total of $23,428,571 for this season in which he has done everything in his power to duck the media attention swirling around the Mitchell investigation. It's been months since we've seen Giambi in public, but his cameo in the Monday's late night premiere of the WWL's The Bronx is Burning miniseries made me question his whereabouts.

If you blinked, you may have missed his acting debut. He spent about as much time in the show as he has in the line-up this season. His one line was delivered about as well as he plays the field and he dressed like lumberjack to boot.

Jason, don't quit your day job. Especially if they are paying you $130,000 a day to do absolutely nothing.

Giambi's shot at an Emmy nomination about 25 seconds into the clip.

Becky "Icebox" O'Shea is Hot

This is my first post and it goes out to one of the participants in the greatest play in the history of Pee-Wee football. This isn't the Icebox you remember.

If you thought the hottest girl in Urbania, Ohio would end up being that little blond head cheerleader Debbie O'Shea, you were dead wrong. It's been 13 years since the epic journey of the Little Giants, and time (and puberty) has been very kind to Shawna Waldron.

Maybe she decided to ditch the flannel shirts and combat boots after her football days. Maybe she got Junior Floyd after all. Maybe Spike Hammersmith ended up testing positive from stimulants after the O'Shea Bowl.

Thirteen years can change a lot. The hottest girl in your 6th grade class (the one with the sweater puppies) never ends up being the hottest girl at your 10 year high school reunion. Icebox is proof that turds can, in fact, be polished.

It's hard to believe that this came from Rick Moranis' penis.

http://www.myspace.com/shawnawaldron

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0907323/